You are not my child's parent.

I go into writing this, knowing full well I will get some flack from "friends" quite frankly, I don't care.

Over the last few weeks, I am seeing a lot of posts promoting stricter disciplining of children, finger pointing, ridicule of other parents, etc. As with most controversial issues, I tend to stay mum to the issue. However, I really don't think I can anymore. I will say this politely once. You are not the parent of MY child, so, unless I expressly ask your opinion of how to handle a given situation, keep your opinions to yourself.

Now, I am 100000% guilty of giving unwanted parenting advice. I challenge any parent in a conversation with their peers to not mention what they did a similar situation. "Oh potty training so and so, the M&M trick worked" "timing them worked" "nothing worked and they still shit themselves to this day" (ok never actually got that one lol)  I do not, however, get indignant with people when they don't share my feelings. If that is how you feel, whatever, it effects me in no way. The world keeps spinnin.

I am seeing a lot of people talk about how "that kid needs their ass kicked" "what a shitty mom letting their kid run around like that" "control that kid of yours" WELL! Point A.) If you have not spawned an offspring of your own, SHUT THE FUCK UP! (this does not go for people that are exposed to children heavily on a daily basis. ie: Teachers) As cliche' as it sounds, you have no fucking idea until you have a kid of you own. That is a fact. B.) You just suggested, that a CHILD get their ass kicked. What makes it ok to hit someone smaller than you, that rely on and trust you for their entire well being?

I have worked retail. I remember that kid that would come in and run amok in my store, knocking boxes off the shelves, causing all kinds of hell. I also now, as a parent, recognize the look on most (certainly not all) parent faces when their child did that. Despair, embarrassment, exhaustion. I get it man. No worries, in all honestly, yes, I did have 400000 other things to take care of that day, and cleaning up after your 3 yr old wasn't on the list, but that's life.

I am also guilty of saying a kid needs to be disciplined better. However, in hindsight, who the hell am I? Do I know your child personally and on that level? Does your child have an illness or personality disorder? How on earth would I know that, and don't you dare feel obligated to tell me if you are not comfortable with it! Am I one of their primary care givers? (most people can answer no to this lol) I go out of my way to not correct my niece/nephews behavior plenty of times, because. I dunno what went on earlier today. Did AJ get made fun of as school? Or not do well on a test and is just acting out? He is 6. Also, boundaries. I fucking respect them. If my sister is sitting there, why on earth would I correct her kids behavior unless they were threatening their own or an others well being? I won't. And I expect the same respect from her. **the exception to this rule being when I lived with my nephew Dylan, I was pretty much allowed to correct him whenever. I feel if you live with that kid, say whatever you want.**Do not ever let me hear you say how or when my child needs to be disciplined.

"Oh Teresa, I got my butt spanked by my parents and I am fine" Ok, I know you are. I grew up in the same generation as a lot of you. The world is a lot different now than it was then. Am I saying I am a perfect parent and I have never spanked my kid? Of course not. Do you know how shitty I felt afterwards? VERY. Am I saying our house is a free for all with no rules? Come spend some time here and find out. I welcome it.

Maybe I'm raising a hell spawn that will turn out terribly. How on earth do I know how he will be, he's freaking almost 3 years old. I know now that I have a caring, loving, smart, affectionate child, that is polite to his family, loves animals, calls his cousin and uncle his best friends, can count and do his letters, knows all of his colors and shapes, gets excited to run errands, and always wants his mama and daddy to "be happy" I would say our parenting techniques are working out just fine too.

Whatever your beliefs for raising your child are, I respect them. Are you a baby wearing, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding vegan? I LOVE YOU! Are you a working mom, that had your kid at day care most of the day, using disposables, and love hunting and eating meat? I LOVE YOU! Anti vax? Rock on? Anti circ? Do what you feel in right! But please, do not attempt, (unless we have had convos at length *cough* kiara *cough* lol) to try and sway me to your beliefs. I have always extended you the same courtesy.  As you have done your research, I have done mine, and I stand by my parenting choices so far.

Will I allow my child to be a spoiled, self centered brat? I'll do everything in my power to avoid that from happening, and if it does, my husband and I will cross that bridge when we come to it.  In the meantime, unless you were involved in the creation and daily raising of this kid, shut the fuck up, mind your own business, and stop trying to tell me what to do.

To end this, am I saying I don't ever want parenting advice from people? No, not at all. If we are hanging out and my kid is running around swinging a baseball bat and he could hit your kid, by all means, go grab it from him or get me. If he is jumping on your couch being defiant and we aren't in the room, tell him to sit his little butt down. If he is crying and whining and throwing a tantrum, let us handle it our own way. We spend the most time we him, I know what every whine and cry he puts out means. He might be tired or hungry or frustrated. He's still just a child, and I have every intention of letting him enjoy as much of that as he can!

***this post is in no way directed at any of mine or Marc's family and is directly related to comments made by friends recently***

Grant me wings that I might fly, my restless soul is longing

Tonight, as I sit on my couch, my two boys sleeping I reflect back on this past year and it is full of bittersweet memories. Acceptance into nursing school, the loss of my grandmother, having another year with my awesome husband and son, my supportive family expanding in all directions with my sister in law and brother both getting engaged,

New years was one of GG's favorite holidays. All of us together, eating and laughing and making tons of noise at midnight and even though we got together this year, it wasn't the same. And for the first time in a few weeks when we walked into my parent's house, Lucas said "shhh mama, GG sleeping" and it really broke my heart.

Every new year is really bittersweet for my family I guess, due to the loss of my Grammie on new years day. So on 1 hand, we see the start of a fresh new year, but also remember that this is one more year without her. And although my heart breaks a little more each day they , I know they are all still with me. My Grammie, my Titi, My GG, and my Grandpa.

It's been a while...

Hello again, blog world. What is there to update on for the last year and a half? Plenty.

Lucas turned 2 in July. He is seriously just amazing. I can't believe how much he changes on a daily basis. He is talking so well, and has a hysterical sense of humor for someone so young. I can't even explain how awesome he is.

I'm going to Nursing school now for my LPN. Then onto my RN and so on. It's going very well, I am very proud of myself.

A little over a month ago, GG passed away. It was pretty sudden. She had a stroke, held strong for a week in the hospital and then, left us. I made a video slide show for her wake. I think it came out pretty nice personally. It was all photos of her and my grandfather, my aunt and uncles, and the grand kids. We have a pretty large family.

I'm taking this loss very hard. I guess I take most losses hard. Every time I walk in, I expect to see her, or hear her feet shuffling across the floor. Lucas misses her too. He asks to go see her all the time and I tell him she had to go bye bye, but she loves us very much.

In the last few years, if she wasn't feeling well, and we had a gathering planned, she would cancel or change the date of it. Everything except Thanksgiving. Even christmas, she pushed back once or twice.  But thanksgiving would happen, no matter what. That makes tomorrow very hard for me. It hurts so much. It's hard to articulate all of my thoughts. I feel very scattered.

I use music as an escape a lot of times. I just find it helps. For the entire time she was in the hospital, and the weeks following, I had this song on loop. I guess this is where I will end this. </3

You...
You believed ...
You believed in movements none could see.
You believed in me

A passionate spirit
Uncompromised
Boundless and open
A light in your eyes
Then immobilized.

Broken
Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see
Yet it was you who prayed for me.
So what have I done
To be a son to an angel?
What have I done
To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question, but
What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?
"She never told a lie,
... well might have told a lie,
But never lived one.
Didn't have a life,
Didn't have a life,
But surely saved one."
See? I'm alright
Now it's time for us to let you go.

Listen to the tales and romanticize,
How we'd follow the path of the hero.
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun.
How we rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior,
Feigning all the trials and the tribulations;
None of us have actually been there.
Not like you.

Ignorant siblings in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy,
Spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But, enough about the collective Judas.
Who could deny you were the one who
Illuminated your little piece of the divine?

And this little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me;
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way,
Your way home ...

Oh, what are they going to do when the lights go down
Without you to guide them all to Zion?
What are they going to do when the rivers overrun
Other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way they'll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
You're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
Shake your fists at the gates saying:
"I've come home now!
Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my, give me my wings!"

You are the light and way that they will only read about.

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance,
(With the) burden of proof tossed upon the believers.
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence,
Judith Marie, unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold florescence.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion, but
Should you see your Maker's face tonight,
Look Him in the eye, look Him in the eye, and tell Him:
"I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one.
Hallelujah, it's time for you to bring me home."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf3r2Tja0-8

Moments lost though time remains...

Remembering the people I have lost has never been an issue for me. I have fond memories of my grandmother and aunt. Forgetting that they are gone, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, I should show this to Grammie." And then I remember she is gone, and almost 8 year later, it still fucking hurts. If anyone knows how to make that stop, please, hook it up. When does it start feeling better? Or hurt less?

It is hard to fight an enemy, that has outposts in your head.

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. I am also getting very fed up with peoples bullshit. More so than usual. I typically have a good amount of patience with people. But lately, it is wearing thin and I am hitting a breaking point. It could be because my attentions are focused on other stuff, or it could be I'm just over feeling like I am in high school still.

On the plus side of everything, come March I will go to the Accelerated day program for my LPN and be done in 13 months. I already know it's going to be so hard but it will be so worth it. I need to do this for Lucas and most of all for myself. I need to feel like a functioning member of society again. The strain of being in the house so much is getting to me too. Maybe I am just on edge in general. I don't know.

I wish there was a way I could wipe away all traces of people, places, and things in my memories. I know there is the whole "everything happens for a reason" crap but that doesn't work for me. 

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today." James T. Maccay

I feel myself at a loss for words, yet feel the need to write. The last few days have been incredibly emotionally draining. Hell the last 2 weeks have been. Just when I thought to myself, "Shit what else could go wrong?" some more shit goes wrong.

I know I have a tendency to get annoyed about trivial shit. Maybe that is so I don't let it build up, so when giant dramatic stuff happens I don't completely go off my rocker and murder someone. We all deal with stress differently. I listen to music mostly when I am upset. I feel like every time Lucas is asleep I have my headphones on blasting music. My stress is reaching a critical level, and I need to vent my frustrations in some way.

I do not understand why people feel that just because they CAN say something on the internet, that they SHOULD. The last few days have been filled with such ridiculous, childish, high school bullshit, I literally felt like I was 16 again. The people I hold dearest to my heart have been called names, ridiculed, and made to seem like villians in a twisted soap opera created for someone else to be sickly amused. People are twisting the truth to make themselves feel better about their lives, while putting down everyone else, as if we are beneath them.

I'm over it all. I'm gonna attempt to get some sleep, but I don't know if it will happen. I just want my family to know how much I totally love them and stand behind them in their decisions. You know who you are.

And especially to my dad- I love you. You are a fantastic father and a wonderful human being. While there have been plenty of times in my life you have frustrated me, I know that in your heart you only want what is best for the entire family. You have devoted your life to being there for us 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year, at the expense of your own wants and desires out of life. And I know we aren't perfect kids, but I would say you and mommy have done a DAMN good job raising us and my Grandfather would be especially proud of the way you have taken care of his most prized item in his lifetime- my Grandmother. <3

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.

Much has happened in the last month. My 4-year old cousin died after an accident at a local mall. As a parent, it was the worst funeral I have ever attended. My heart still breaks thinking about it. While there, I saw some family I had chosen to distance myself from over the last few years for one reason or another. I was cordial, as this was not the time or the place to address those issues. My mother and father raised me better than that.

I have reached a breaking point. I will not keep my mouth shut any longer about this. To make an extremely long and personal story short, after my Grammie died, some of my mothers family was less than nice to her. They said and did hurtful, vindictive things that broke her heart. I refuse to stand by and allow these people to keep hurting her this way.

I do not like either of you. I feel that you are both selfish and have an incredibly skewed memory of your past. I can not believe that you have said the things that you have about my grandmother. I am not saying she was a saint, but she was DAMN good to me and my siblings! Neither of you will even come CLOSE to the woman she was. The only way you are like her is you share her genes. You hurt people to make yourselves feel high and mighty and you are shitty people for that. For the rest of your lives, I want NOTHING to do with you. You will not see my child, my husband or myself if I have ANY say in it. I have bit my tongue for far too long in regards to you. Your snippy little comments here and there about shit are ridiculous. I fucking hate you both, and I want nothing to do with you EVER.


THAT ALL BEING SAID....

To certain other family members. Cut your childish bullshit. It is time to grow up and act like adults. Stop with your stupid catty bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. Whatever your boggles are, are now in the past. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!