Moments lost though time remains...

Remembering the people I have lost has never been an issue for me. I have fond memories of my grandmother and aunt. Forgetting that they are gone, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, I should show this to Grammie." And then I remember she is gone, and almost 8 year later, it still fucking hurts. If anyone knows how to make that stop, please, hook it up. When does it start feeling better? Or hurt less?

It is hard to fight an enemy, that has outposts in your head.

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. I am also getting very fed up with peoples bullshit. More so than usual. I typically have a good amount of patience with people. But lately, it is wearing thin and I am hitting a breaking point. It could be because my attentions are focused on other stuff, or it could be I'm just over feeling like I am in high school still.

On the plus side of everything, come March I will go to the Accelerated day program for my LPN and be done in 13 months. I already know it's going to be so hard but it will be so worth it. I need to do this for Lucas and most of all for myself. I need to feel like a functioning member of society again. The strain of being in the house so much is getting to me too. Maybe I am just on edge in general. I don't know.

I wish there was a way I could wipe away all traces of people, places, and things in my memories. I know there is the whole "everything happens for a reason" crap but that doesn't work for me. 

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today." James T. Maccay

I feel myself at a loss for words, yet feel the need to write. The last few days have been incredibly emotionally draining. Hell the last 2 weeks have been. Just when I thought to myself, "Shit what else could go wrong?" some more shit goes wrong.

I know I have a tendency to get annoyed about trivial shit. Maybe that is so I don't let it build up, so when giant dramatic stuff happens I don't completely go off my rocker and murder someone. We all deal with stress differently. I listen to music mostly when I am upset. I feel like every time Lucas is asleep I have my headphones on blasting music. My stress is reaching a critical level, and I need to vent my frustrations in some way.

I do not understand why people feel that just because they CAN say something on the internet, that they SHOULD. The last few days have been filled with such ridiculous, childish, high school bullshit, I literally felt like I was 16 again. The people I hold dearest to my heart have been called names, ridiculed, and made to seem like villians in a twisted soap opera created for someone else to be sickly amused. People are twisting the truth to make themselves feel better about their lives, while putting down everyone else, as if we are beneath them.

I'm over it all. I'm gonna attempt to get some sleep, but I don't know if it will happen. I just want my family to know how much I totally love them and stand behind them in their decisions. You know who you are.

And especially to my dad- I love you. You are a fantastic father and a wonderful human being. While there have been plenty of times in my life you have frustrated me, I know that in your heart you only want what is best for the entire family. You have devoted your life to being there for us 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year, at the expense of your own wants and desires out of life. And I know we aren't perfect kids, but I would say you and mommy have done a DAMN good job raising us and my Grandfather would be especially proud of the way you have taken care of his most prized item in his lifetime- my Grandmother. <3

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.

Much has happened in the last month. My 4-year old cousin died after an accident at a local mall. As a parent, it was the worst funeral I have ever attended. My heart still breaks thinking about it. While there, I saw some family I had chosen to distance myself from over the last few years for one reason or another. I was cordial, as this was not the time or the place to address those issues. My mother and father raised me better than that.

I have reached a breaking point. I will not keep my mouth shut any longer about this. To make an extremely long and personal story short, after my Grammie died, some of my mothers family was less than nice to her. They said and did hurtful, vindictive things that broke her heart. I refuse to stand by and allow these people to keep hurting her this way.

I do not like either of you. I feel that you are both selfish and have an incredibly skewed memory of your past. I can not believe that you have said the things that you have about my grandmother. I am not saying she was a saint, but she was DAMN good to me and my siblings! Neither of you will even come CLOSE to the woman she was. The only way you are like her is you share her genes. You hurt people to make yourselves feel high and mighty and you are shitty people for that. For the rest of your lives, I want NOTHING to do with you. You will not see my child, my husband or myself if I have ANY say in it. I have bit my tongue for far too long in regards to you. Your snippy little comments here and there about shit are ridiculous. I fucking hate you both, and I want nothing to do with you EVER.


THAT ALL BEING SAID....

To certain other family members. Cut your childish bullshit. It is time to grow up and act like adults. Stop with your stupid catty bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. Whatever your boggles are, are now in the past. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you, how much I've missed you.

What will absolutely be probably the hardest entry I will write, is the memorial of my Aunt. I say this with no exaggeration, there has not been a single day in 4 years that I have not thought about her. Unlike the feelings of regret I had when my Grammie died, I did not feel those at all when we lost Titi. It has been, to date, the most intense feeling of loss I have ever felt. I legitimately cried for hours, alone in my apartment in Florida. She died a week before I moved home to New York, and if I remember correctly, within weeks of her moving home to NY.

When we would misbehave as kids, my dad we threaten to send us to Titi's so she could "Straighten us out." Yeah, we played video games and watched movies and played electronic slot machine games. It was awesome. She and I joked about it when I was older. I almost wish I had misbehaved more lol. I can't think of a single time we asked to do something at her house and she said no. I feel like we were over there all the time. She was my mothers best friend. Minus a few rare occasions, I can not remember my mom being as happy as she was when she was there.

Titi was as straight a shooter as there was. You never wondered where you stood with her. Even as a child I admired that. If you were on her shit list you certainly were on her shit list. Miss bitch was her nickname. Marion told me a story one time about how Titi was mad at her for something and hadn't talked to her in months. Apparently some girl threatened to kick Marion's ass and Titi told her something to the effect of "kicking that bitches ass/cutting her head off" I'm not really sure which one but either way, that girl stopped messing with my sister haha.

After Grammie died I (as almost all of you have seen) Got a huge tattoo on my back with her name in it along with my fathers dad. Titi loved it so much. When she passed away I instantly started planning a tattoo for her. As morbid as it sounds, when I got the angel, I kinda left room to add certain names. (DONT JUDGE ME!! LOL) My mom and I were talking and she said she was "willing to give up her place for Titi". I don't think there was anything my mom wouldn't have done for her.

I could go on for hours about her, but honestly, my heart can't take it. I know that seems like a cheap way out, but I have already had to stop writing many times because I was crying. I love and miss you every single day Ti! <3<3<3

Beloved-VNV Nation

It's colder than before,
The seasons took all they had come for.
Now winter dances here.
It seems so fitting don't you think
To dress the ground in white and grey.

It's so quiet I can hear my thoughts touching every second that I spent waiting for you.
Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you How much I've missed you.

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass?
Please don't ask me why I'm here.
Something deeper brought me than a need to remember.

We were once young and blessed with wings.
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar.
Still greater things burned within us.
I don't regret the choices that I made.
I know you feel the same.

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there?
These are feelings that do not pass so easily.
I can't forget what we claimed as ours.

Moments lost though time remains.
I am still proud of what we were.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.
Grant me wings that I might fly.
My restless soul is longing.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.

Man up people!

I really REALLY hate when ADULTS blame other people/situations for their own failures. At some point it has to click that hey, maybe it's not everyone around me being assholes, maybe it's me! If all of the sudden you aren't hearing from people, or not getting that promotion at work, or not getting to where you think you should be, it may be time for you to take a step back a reflect on whose fault that really is. Maybe, if you handle things as an adult, stop trying to sleep with the world, & conduct yourself in a more professional manner, you probably wouldn't have the issues you have. At this stage of most of our lives, we understand the difference between right and wrong. Some of you are older, some are younger, but there really are no children reading this blog. Take care of your effing responsibilities already! Do the RIGHT thing. Make time to be CONSIDERATE to other people, and maybe people will stop calling you a selfish child.

The Internet is forever...

Perhaps I am paranoid. (Thanks for that dad!! lol) Perhaps I am just not a social person.(Thanks mom! lol) Or, perhaps I just don't need the world knowing all of my shit at all times.

To be honest, I can not comprehend how some people put the information they do on the internet.  I am pro staying in touch with people. I enjoy talking to friends from high school or from when I lived in Florida. I even have about 20 or so people I friend-requested just because I needed people to add to my stupid Facebook games. (don't judge!) However, all of my info and pictures are completely private. Only my friends can see them. Not friends of friends even. I do not want pictures of me and/or my family floating around to god knows where.

I do not need people knowing where I am and what I am doing 24 hours per day. I don't like those apps that check you in to places and show a map of where you are. I don't like posting status messages detailing my every move for the next 3 days. People do not need to know my son's eating/sleeping/shitting habits.

They also do not need to know details about my personal relationship with my husband, friends, or family. I admit it, I vent often on FB. But it's usually due to sleep deprivation more than anything else. I do not post when Marc and I are fighting. I do not post when I am angry at my sisters or brother, or cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Those are OUR personal problems and I can tell you right now, posting it on a public forum may help you feel better for a moment, but then, one of your stupid friends are gonna say something in response to it. And then that person that you love so much will see it and react. And then you have a bigger problem then who ate the last english muffin on your hands!

That being said, I will give you an abridged version of something that happened with Marc and I and where I went wrong. We had a fight. Married couples do that. I said some nasty things to him, he said some nasty things to me. (for those of you who know Marc, I SWEAR he did!! lmao) For those of you who don't, the man is pretty much a saint. He is patient and easy going and completely devoted to our son and I. So for him to say mean things, you can imagine how far I had pushed his buttons. Well, like a dramatic 16 year old, I ran to my parents house angry. And told my dad what happened. My dad being my dad took Marc's side and reminded me what an asshole I can be and how stressed out we both are and to just relax and go home.

My father is not exactly the calmest, most mild mannered person as most of you know. But he looked at the situation objectively as someone who knows how nasty I can be when I am angry (again, thanks dad! lol) and I went home. A few days later we were talking and he gave me some great advice. I will forgive Marc and Marc will forgive me. We know that the things we said were in anger and not how we actually feel. However, other people may not forgive/forget the things that were said. They will hold it against him or I at a later time.

He is my dad. He will protect me until the day he dies. He could have been nasty to Marc the next time he saw him for the things that were said. He wasn't. But it really made me think. Too often do people offer up so much personal information about their life. Had I been like a lot of people on my friends list, I could have posted what Marc said, just like he could have posted what I said. Then our friends and families would have seen it. Then they would have commented. And then we have bigger fires to put out because things are being taken out of context, OR, your significant other is a private person and doesn't need people they don't even know, all up in their shit!

Just think before you post. The internet is forever. Think about that before you post that picture of you passed out drunk with a dick drawn on your face. You might have kids one day. THAT'S the image they wanna post on the board for Star of the Week!

Just a repost from FaceBook for my First Blog.

I'm starting a blog. I have a good amount of free time right now and sometimes, instead of flipping out on people, I am going to write things down here. For today I will re post my facebook note and then maybe tomorrow I will post a new one. Whenever I have time I will. Enjoy people <3

As I said in my status last night, today marks 7 days since my Grammie passed away. She was 77 years old. 77 years on this planet. It was by no means an easy 77 years. No parent should have to outlive their child, and my grammie had to two times. She worked very hard to support my mother, and my aunt's uncles, and cousin's who lived with her. In the 18 years I had to spend with her, I never really remember her asking for much of anything, yet she would give constantly. She would give you the last bit of food from her cabinet if you were hungry. She would feed the stray cats from the neighborhood, grow flowers, and had a knowledge about birds (among other things lol) that would leave you dumbfounded. She could knit, crochet, needlepoint, cross stitch and to me, pretty much to anything crafty. She tried to teach me to crochet at least a dozen times when I was a kid, and I never seemed to get it. Yet every time I would ask her to show me, she would. And wouldn't get impatient with me, even once.

When I would go out trick or treating, we stopped at her house every year, if only for 5 minutes, so she could see us in costume. At the age I started attending sweet 16's, I would make my dad stop before he dropped me off each time, so I could show her how I looked in my dress. She got a kick out of it every time.

The fondest memory I have of her is from when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I went over to hang out with her, and I don't remember if her TV broke or what, but either way, there was nothing for us to do. So there was an atlas on her couch. We sat there for HOURS looking through this atlas and laughing about the ethnic breakdown of EVERY SINGLE STATE in the US and all of the Canadian Territories. Like, Alaska having a .014% hispanic population or some other obscene number like that.

I don't remember when exactly it was, but sometime after school started my senior year of high school is when she got very sick. I would go over maybe twice a week and hang out for an hour or two so my mom or aunts could catch a break. I painted a sun catcher for her. It had butterflies and angels on it with a phrase "Never give up, miracles happen every day." She loved it.

New years day 2004, my dad told me she passed away that morning. I was 18 years old when I lost her. I had never cried so much until that point in my life. I had 18 years with a woman who lived less than half a mile away from me, and I felt I never spent enough time with her. I found myself getting angry about all of the things she got to see my cousin's or my sisters do, but not me. 6 month later, I went to prom and graduated high school. 2 years later I moved out on my own. 3 years later I met my future husband. & 6 years later I married him and had my son.

Once my Grammie died, I made a conscience decision to make sure that I wouldn't have any guilt about not spending enough time with GG. I lived with her for almost my entire life. Every year for New Years Eve we have a get together at her house and a bunch of the grandkids would come over and sleep over and hang out all night. This year we were a little lighter than usual, but she still get a kick out of watching everyone get together and talk and play around. I got some awesome video and pictures of her playing with Lucas :)

GG is an amazing woman! She can be soooo funny and a wealth of life knowledge. She speaks so highly of my grandfather and even after what would have been 60 years, you can see so much love in her eyes when she talks about him. I have never heard her say anything even slightly bad about him. At 25 years old, I really feel like I appreciate her knowledge a lot more. But I would do anything to have had my grammie around for even another year, another week, hell even another day.

We never know when the people closest to us will be gone forever. I am telling you all from experience, unless your grandparents live HOURS away from you, go see them once a week. Even if they lose track of conversation while you are talking, or they sit there and tell you about the episode of Dr. Oz they watched earlier that day, GO SEE THEM. It will make them feel awesome that you took time out of your busy life to make time for them! And you won't be left with feelings of regret once they leave you forever. <3

I love you Grammie and I miss you ALL THE TIME! I know you are proud of all of us <3 <3 <3