You are not my child's parent.

I go into writing this, knowing full well I will get some flack from "friends" quite frankly, I don't care.

Over the last few weeks, I am seeing a lot of posts promoting stricter disciplining of children, finger pointing, ridicule of other parents, etc. As with most controversial issues, I tend to stay mum to the issue. However, I really don't think I can anymore. I will say this politely once. You are not the parent of MY child, so, unless I expressly ask your opinion of how to handle a given situation, keep your opinions to yourself.

Now, I am 100000% guilty of giving unwanted parenting advice. I challenge any parent in a conversation with their peers to not mention what they did a similar situation. "Oh potty training so and so, the M&M trick worked" "timing them worked" "nothing worked and they still shit themselves to this day" (ok never actually got that one lol)  I do not, however, get indignant with people when they don't share my feelings. If that is how you feel, whatever, it effects me in no way. The world keeps spinnin.

I am seeing a lot of people talk about how "that kid needs their ass kicked" "what a shitty mom letting their kid run around like that" "control that kid of yours" WELL! Point A.) If you have not spawned an offspring of your own, SHUT THE FUCK UP! (this does not go for people that are exposed to children heavily on a daily basis. ie: Teachers) As cliche' as it sounds, you have no fucking idea until you have a kid of you own. That is a fact. B.) You just suggested, that a CHILD get their ass kicked. What makes it ok to hit someone smaller than you, that rely on and trust you for their entire well being?

I have worked retail. I remember that kid that would come in and run amok in my store, knocking boxes off the shelves, causing all kinds of hell. I also now, as a parent, recognize the look on most (certainly not all) parent faces when their child did that. Despair, embarrassment, exhaustion. I get it man. No worries, in all honestly, yes, I did have 400000 other things to take care of that day, and cleaning up after your 3 yr old wasn't on the list, but that's life.

I am also guilty of saying a kid needs to be disciplined better. However, in hindsight, who the hell am I? Do I know your child personally and on that level? Does your child have an illness or personality disorder? How on earth would I know that, and don't you dare feel obligated to tell me if you are not comfortable with it! Am I one of their primary care givers? (most people can answer no to this lol) I go out of my way to not correct my niece/nephews behavior plenty of times, because. I dunno what went on earlier today. Did AJ get made fun of as school? Or not do well on a test and is just acting out? He is 6. Also, boundaries. I fucking respect them. If my sister is sitting there, why on earth would I correct her kids behavior unless they were threatening their own or an others well being? I won't. And I expect the same respect from her. **the exception to this rule being when I lived with my nephew Dylan, I was pretty much allowed to correct him whenever. I feel if you live with that kid, say whatever you want.**Do not ever let me hear you say how or when my child needs to be disciplined.

"Oh Teresa, I got my butt spanked by my parents and I am fine" Ok, I know you are. I grew up in the same generation as a lot of you. The world is a lot different now than it was then. Am I saying I am a perfect parent and I have never spanked my kid? Of course not. Do you know how shitty I felt afterwards? VERY. Am I saying our house is a free for all with no rules? Come spend some time here and find out. I welcome it.

Maybe I'm raising a hell spawn that will turn out terribly. How on earth do I know how he will be, he's freaking almost 3 years old. I know now that I have a caring, loving, smart, affectionate child, that is polite to his family, loves animals, calls his cousin and uncle his best friends, can count and do his letters, knows all of his colors and shapes, gets excited to run errands, and always wants his mama and daddy to "be happy" I would say our parenting techniques are working out just fine too.

Whatever your beliefs for raising your child are, I respect them. Are you a baby wearing, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding vegan? I LOVE YOU! Are you a working mom, that had your kid at day care most of the day, using disposables, and love hunting and eating meat? I LOVE YOU! Anti vax? Rock on? Anti circ? Do what you feel in right! But please, do not attempt, (unless we have had convos at length *cough* kiara *cough* lol) to try and sway me to your beliefs. I have always extended you the same courtesy.  As you have done your research, I have done mine, and I stand by my parenting choices so far.

Will I allow my child to be a spoiled, self centered brat? I'll do everything in my power to avoid that from happening, and if it does, my husband and I will cross that bridge when we come to it.  In the meantime, unless you were involved in the creation and daily raising of this kid, shut the fuck up, mind your own business, and stop trying to tell me what to do.

To end this, am I saying I don't ever want parenting advice from people? No, not at all. If we are hanging out and my kid is running around swinging a baseball bat and he could hit your kid, by all means, go grab it from him or get me. If he is jumping on your couch being defiant and we aren't in the room, tell him to sit his little butt down. If he is crying and whining and throwing a tantrum, let us handle it our own way. We spend the most time we him, I know what every whine and cry he puts out means. He might be tired or hungry or frustrated. He's still just a child, and I have every intention of letting him enjoy as much of that as he can!

***this post is in no way directed at any of mine or Marc's family and is directly related to comments made by friends recently***

Grant me wings that I might fly, my restless soul is longing

Tonight, as I sit on my couch, my two boys sleeping I reflect back on this past year and it is full of bittersweet memories. Acceptance into nursing school, the loss of my grandmother, having another year with my awesome husband and son, my supportive family expanding in all directions with my sister in law and brother both getting engaged,

New years was one of GG's favorite holidays. All of us together, eating and laughing and making tons of noise at midnight and even though we got together this year, it wasn't the same. And for the first time in a few weeks when we walked into my parent's house, Lucas said "shhh mama, GG sleeping" and it really broke my heart.

Every new year is really bittersweet for my family I guess, due to the loss of my Grammie on new years day. So on 1 hand, we see the start of a fresh new year, but also remember that this is one more year without her. And although my heart breaks a little more each day they , I know they are all still with me. My Grammie, my Titi, My GG, and my Grandpa.

It's been a while...

Hello again, blog world. What is there to update on for the last year and a half? Plenty.

Lucas turned 2 in July. He is seriously just amazing. I can't believe how much he changes on a daily basis. He is talking so well, and has a hysterical sense of humor for someone so young. I can't even explain how awesome he is.

I'm going to Nursing school now for my LPN. Then onto my RN and so on. It's going very well, I am very proud of myself.

A little over a month ago, GG passed away. It was pretty sudden. She had a stroke, held strong for a week in the hospital and then, left us. I made a video slide show for her wake. I think it came out pretty nice personally. It was all photos of her and my grandfather, my aunt and uncles, and the grand kids. We have a pretty large family.

I'm taking this loss very hard. I guess I take most losses hard. Every time I walk in, I expect to see her, or hear her feet shuffling across the floor. Lucas misses her too. He asks to go see her all the time and I tell him she had to go bye bye, but she loves us very much.

In the last few years, if she wasn't feeling well, and we had a gathering planned, she would cancel or change the date of it. Everything except Thanksgiving. Even christmas, she pushed back once or twice.  But thanksgiving would happen, no matter what. That makes tomorrow very hard for me. It hurts so much. It's hard to articulate all of my thoughts. I feel very scattered.

I use music as an escape a lot of times. I just find it helps. For the entire time she was in the hospital, and the weeks following, I had this song on loop. I guess this is where I will end this. </3

You...
You believed ...
You believed in movements none could see.
You believed in me

A passionate spirit
Uncompromised
Boundless and open
A light in your eyes
Then immobilized.

Broken
Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see
Yet it was you who prayed for me.
So what have I done
To be a son to an angel?
What have I done
To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question, but
What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?
"She never told a lie,
... well might have told a lie,
But never lived one.
Didn't have a life,
Didn't have a life,
But surely saved one."
See? I'm alright
Now it's time for us to let you go.

Listen to the tales and romanticize,
How we'd follow the path of the hero.
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun.
How we rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior,
Feigning all the trials and the tribulations;
None of us have actually been there.
Not like you.

Ignorant siblings in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy,
Spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But, enough about the collective Judas.
Who could deny you were the one who
Illuminated your little piece of the divine?

And this little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me;
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way,
Your way home ...

Oh, what are they going to do when the lights go down
Without you to guide them all to Zion?
What are they going to do when the rivers overrun
Other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way they'll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
You're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
Shake your fists at the gates saying:
"I've come home now!
Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my, give me my wings!"

You are the light and way that they will only read about.

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance,
(With the) burden of proof tossed upon the believers.
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence,
Judith Marie, unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold florescence.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion, but
Should you see your Maker's face tonight,
Look Him in the eye, look Him in the eye, and tell Him:
"I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one.
Hallelujah, it's time for you to bring me home."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf3r2Tja0-8

Moments lost though time remains...

Remembering the people I have lost has never been an issue for me. I have fond memories of my grandmother and aunt. Forgetting that they are gone, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, I should show this to Grammie." And then I remember she is gone, and almost 8 year later, it still fucking hurts. If anyone knows how to make that stop, please, hook it up. When does it start feeling better? Or hurt less?

It is hard to fight an enemy, that has outposts in your head.

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. I am also getting very fed up with peoples bullshit. More so than usual. I typically have a good amount of patience with people. But lately, it is wearing thin and I am hitting a breaking point. It could be because my attentions are focused on other stuff, or it could be I'm just over feeling like I am in high school still.

On the plus side of everything, come March I will go to the Accelerated day program for my LPN and be done in 13 months. I already know it's going to be so hard but it will be so worth it. I need to do this for Lucas and most of all for myself. I need to feel like a functioning member of society again. The strain of being in the house so much is getting to me too. Maybe I am just on edge in general. I don't know.

I wish there was a way I could wipe away all traces of people, places, and things in my memories. I know there is the whole "everything happens for a reason" crap but that doesn't work for me. 

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today." James T. Maccay

I feel myself at a loss for words, yet feel the need to write. The last few days have been incredibly emotionally draining. Hell the last 2 weeks have been. Just when I thought to myself, "Shit what else could go wrong?" some more shit goes wrong.

I know I have a tendency to get annoyed about trivial shit. Maybe that is so I don't let it build up, so when giant dramatic stuff happens I don't completely go off my rocker and murder someone. We all deal with stress differently. I listen to music mostly when I am upset. I feel like every time Lucas is asleep I have my headphones on blasting music. My stress is reaching a critical level, and I need to vent my frustrations in some way.

I do not understand why people feel that just because they CAN say something on the internet, that they SHOULD. The last few days have been filled with such ridiculous, childish, high school bullshit, I literally felt like I was 16 again. The people I hold dearest to my heart have been called names, ridiculed, and made to seem like villians in a twisted soap opera created for someone else to be sickly amused. People are twisting the truth to make themselves feel better about their lives, while putting down everyone else, as if we are beneath them.

I'm over it all. I'm gonna attempt to get some sleep, but I don't know if it will happen. I just want my family to know how much I totally love them and stand behind them in their decisions. You know who you are.

And especially to my dad- I love you. You are a fantastic father and a wonderful human being. While there have been plenty of times in my life you have frustrated me, I know that in your heart you only want what is best for the entire family. You have devoted your life to being there for us 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year, at the expense of your own wants and desires out of life. And I know we aren't perfect kids, but I would say you and mommy have done a DAMN good job raising us and my Grandfather would be especially proud of the way you have taken care of his most prized item in his lifetime- my Grandmother. <3

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.

Much has happened in the last month. My 4-year old cousin died after an accident at a local mall. As a parent, it was the worst funeral I have ever attended. My heart still breaks thinking about it. While there, I saw some family I had chosen to distance myself from over the last few years for one reason or another. I was cordial, as this was not the time or the place to address those issues. My mother and father raised me better than that.

I have reached a breaking point. I will not keep my mouth shut any longer about this. To make an extremely long and personal story short, after my Grammie died, some of my mothers family was less than nice to her. They said and did hurtful, vindictive things that broke her heart. I refuse to stand by and allow these people to keep hurting her this way.

I do not like either of you. I feel that you are both selfish and have an incredibly skewed memory of your past. I can not believe that you have said the things that you have about my grandmother. I am not saying she was a saint, but she was DAMN good to me and my siblings! Neither of you will even come CLOSE to the woman she was. The only way you are like her is you share her genes. You hurt people to make yourselves feel high and mighty and you are shitty people for that. For the rest of your lives, I want NOTHING to do with you. You will not see my child, my husband or myself if I have ANY say in it. I have bit my tongue for far too long in regards to you. Your snippy little comments here and there about shit are ridiculous. I fucking hate you both, and I want nothing to do with you EVER.


THAT ALL BEING SAID....

To certain other family members. Cut your childish bullshit. It is time to grow up and act like adults. Stop with your stupid catty bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. Whatever your boggles are, are now in the past. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you, how much I've missed you.

What will absolutely be probably the hardest entry I will write, is the memorial of my Aunt. I say this with no exaggeration, there has not been a single day in 4 years that I have not thought about her. Unlike the feelings of regret I had when my Grammie died, I did not feel those at all when we lost Titi. It has been, to date, the most intense feeling of loss I have ever felt. I legitimately cried for hours, alone in my apartment in Florida. She died a week before I moved home to New York, and if I remember correctly, within weeks of her moving home to NY.

When we would misbehave as kids, my dad we threaten to send us to Titi's so she could "Straighten us out." Yeah, we played video games and watched movies and played electronic slot machine games. It was awesome. She and I joked about it when I was older. I almost wish I had misbehaved more lol. I can't think of a single time we asked to do something at her house and she said no. I feel like we were over there all the time. She was my mothers best friend. Minus a few rare occasions, I can not remember my mom being as happy as she was when she was there.

Titi was as straight a shooter as there was. You never wondered where you stood with her. Even as a child I admired that. If you were on her shit list you certainly were on her shit list. Miss bitch was her nickname. Marion told me a story one time about how Titi was mad at her for something and hadn't talked to her in months. Apparently some girl threatened to kick Marion's ass and Titi told her something to the effect of "kicking that bitches ass/cutting her head off" I'm not really sure which one but either way, that girl stopped messing with my sister haha.

After Grammie died I (as almost all of you have seen) Got a huge tattoo on my back with her name in it along with my fathers dad. Titi loved it so much. When she passed away I instantly started planning a tattoo for her. As morbid as it sounds, when I got the angel, I kinda left room to add certain names. (DONT JUDGE ME!! LOL) My mom and I were talking and she said she was "willing to give up her place for Titi". I don't think there was anything my mom wouldn't have done for her.

I could go on for hours about her, but honestly, my heart can't take it. I know that seems like a cheap way out, but I have already had to stop writing many times because I was crying. I love and miss you every single day Ti! <3<3<3

Beloved-VNV Nation

It's colder than before,
The seasons took all they had come for.
Now winter dances here.
It seems so fitting don't you think
To dress the ground in white and grey.

It's so quiet I can hear my thoughts touching every second that I spent waiting for you.
Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you How much I've missed you.

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass?
Please don't ask me why I'm here.
Something deeper brought me than a need to remember.

We were once young and blessed with wings.
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar.
Still greater things burned within us.
I don't regret the choices that I made.
I know you feel the same.

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there?
These are feelings that do not pass so easily.
I can't forget what we claimed as ours.

Moments lost though time remains.
I am still proud of what we were.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.
Grant me wings that I might fly.
My restless soul is longing.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.

Man up people!

I really REALLY hate when ADULTS blame other people/situations for their own failures. At some point it has to click that hey, maybe it's not everyone around me being assholes, maybe it's me! If all of the sudden you aren't hearing from people, or not getting that promotion at work, or not getting to where you think you should be, it may be time for you to take a step back a reflect on whose fault that really is. Maybe, if you handle things as an adult, stop trying to sleep with the world, & conduct yourself in a more professional manner, you probably wouldn't have the issues you have. At this stage of most of our lives, we understand the difference between right and wrong. Some of you are older, some are younger, but there really are no children reading this blog. Take care of your effing responsibilities already! Do the RIGHT thing. Make time to be CONSIDERATE to other people, and maybe people will stop calling you a selfish child.

The Internet is forever...

Perhaps I am paranoid. (Thanks for that dad!! lol) Perhaps I am just not a social person.(Thanks mom! lol) Or, perhaps I just don't need the world knowing all of my shit at all times.

To be honest, I can not comprehend how some people put the information they do on the internet.  I am pro staying in touch with people. I enjoy talking to friends from high school or from when I lived in Florida. I even have about 20 or so people I friend-requested just because I needed people to add to my stupid Facebook games. (don't judge!) However, all of my info and pictures are completely private. Only my friends can see them. Not friends of friends even. I do not want pictures of me and/or my family floating around to god knows where.

I do not need people knowing where I am and what I am doing 24 hours per day. I don't like those apps that check you in to places and show a map of where you are. I don't like posting status messages detailing my every move for the next 3 days. People do not need to know my son's eating/sleeping/shitting habits.

They also do not need to know details about my personal relationship with my husband, friends, or family. I admit it, I vent often on FB. But it's usually due to sleep deprivation more than anything else. I do not post when Marc and I are fighting. I do not post when I am angry at my sisters or brother, or cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Those are OUR personal problems and I can tell you right now, posting it on a public forum may help you feel better for a moment, but then, one of your stupid friends are gonna say something in response to it. And then that person that you love so much will see it and react. And then you have a bigger problem then who ate the last english muffin on your hands!

That being said, I will give you an abridged version of something that happened with Marc and I and where I went wrong. We had a fight. Married couples do that. I said some nasty things to him, he said some nasty things to me. (for those of you who know Marc, I SWEAR he did!! lmao) For those of you who don't, the man is pretty much a saint. He is patient and easy going and completely devoted to our son and I. So for him to say mean things, you can imagine how far I had pushed his buttons. Well, like a dramatic 16 year old, I ran to my parents house angry. And told my dad what happened. My dad being my dad took Marc's side and reminded me what an asshole I can be and how stressed out we both are and to just relax and go home.

My father is not exactly the calmest, most mild mannered person as most of you know. But he looked at the situation objectively as someone who knows how nasty I can be when I am angry (again, thanks dad! lol) and I went home. A few days later we were talking and he gave me some great advice. I will forgive Marc and Marc will forgive me. We know that the things we said were in anger and not how we actually feel. However, other people may not forgive/forget the things that were said. They will hold it against him or I at a later time.

He is my dad. He will protect me until the day he dies. He could have been nasty to Marc the next time he saw him for the things that were said. He wasn't. But it really made me think. Too often do people offer up so much personal information about their life. Had I been like a lot of people on my friends list, I could have posted what Marc said, just like he could have posted what I said. Then our friends and families would have seen it. Then they would have commented. And then we have bigger fires to put out because things are being taken out of context, OR, your significant other is a private person and doesn't need people they don't even know, all up in their shit!

Just think before you post. The internet is forever. Think about that before you post that picture of you passed out drunk with a dick drawn on your face. You might have kids one day. THAT'S the image they wanna post on the board for Star of the Week!

Just a repost from FaceBook for my First Blog.

I'm starting a blog. I have a good amount of free time right now and sometimes, instead of flipping out on people, I am going to write things down here. For today I will re post my facebook note and then maybe tomorrow I will post a new one. Whenever I have time I will. Enjoy people <3

As I said in my status last night, today marks 7 days since my Grammie passed away. She was 77 years old. 77 years on this planet. It was by no means an easy 77 years. No parent should have to outlive their child, and my grammie had to two times. She worked very hard to support my mother, and my aunt's uncles, and cousin's who lived with her. In the 18 years I had to spend with her, I never really remember her asking for much of anything, yet she would give constantly. She would give you the last bit of food from her cabinet if you were hungry. She would feed the stray cats from the neighborhood, grow flowers, and had a knowledge about birds (among other things lol) that would leave you dumbfounded. She could knit, crochet, needlepoint, cross stitch and to me, pretty much to anything crafty. She tried to teach me to crochet at least a dozen times when I was a kid, and I never seemed to get it. Yet every time I would ask her to show me, she would. And wouldn't get impatient with me, even once.

When I would go out trick or treating, we stopped at her house every year, if only for 5 minutes, so she could see us in costume. At the age I started attending sweet 16's, I would make my dad stop before he dropped me off each time, so I could show her how I looked in my dress. She got a kick out of it every time.

The fondest memory I have of her is from when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I went over to hang out with her, and I don't remember if her TV broke or what, but either way, there was nothing for us to do. So there was an atlas on her couch. We sat there for HOURS looking through this atlas and laughing about the ethnic breakdown of EVERY SINGLE STATE in the US and all of the Canadian Territories. Like, Alaska having a .014% hispanic population or some other obscene number like that.

I don't remember when exactly it was, but sometime after school started my senior year of high school is when she got very sick. I would go over maybe twice a week and hang out for an hour or two so my mom or aunts could catch a break. I painted a sun catcher for her. It had butterflies and angels on it with a phrase "Never give up, miracles happen every day." She loved it.

New years day 2004, my dad told me she passed away that morning. I was 18 years old when I lost her. I had never cried so much until that point in my life. I had 18 years with a woman who lived less than half a mile away from me, and I felt I never spent enough time with her. I found myself getting angry about all of the things she got to see my cousin's or my sisters do, but not me. 6 month later, I went to prom and graduated high school. 2 years later I moved out on my own. 3 years later I met my future husband. & 6 years later I married him and had my son.

Once my Grammie died, I made a conscience decision to make sure that I wouldn't have any guilt about not spending enough time with GG. I lived with her for almost my entire life. Every year for New Years Eve we have a get together at her house and a bunch of the grandkids would come over and sleep over and hang out all night. This year we were a little lighter than usual, but she still get a kick out of watching everyone get together and talk and play around. I got some awesome video and pictures of her playing with Lucas :)

GG is an amazing woman! She can be soooo funny and a wealth of life knowledge. She speaks so highly of my grandfather and even after what would have been 60 years, you can see so much love in her eyes when she talks about him. I have never heard her say anything even slightly bad about him. At 25 years old, I really feel like I appreciate her knowledge a lot more. But I would do anything to have had my grammie around for even another year, another week, hell even another day.

We never know when the people closest to us will be gone forever. I am telling you all from experience, unless your grandparents live HOURS away from you, go see them once a week. Even if they lose track of conversation while you are talking, or they sit there and tell you about the episode of Dr. Oz they watched earlier that day, GO SEE THEM. It will make them feel awesome that you took time out of your busy life to make time for them! And you won't be left with feelings of regret once they leave you forever. <3

I love you Grammie and I miss you ALL THE TIME! I know you are proud of all of us <3 <3 <3