Grant me wings that I might fly, my restless soul is longing

Tonight, as I sit on my couch, my two boys sleeping I reflect back on this past year and it is full of bittersweet memories. Acceptance into nursing school, the loss of my grandmother, having another year with my awesome husband and son, my supportive family expanding in all directions with my sister in law and brother both getting engaged,

New years was one of GG's favorite holidays. All of us together, eating and laughing and making tons of noise at midnight and even though we got together this year, it wasn't the same. And for the first time in a few weeks when we walked into my parent's house, Lucas said "shhh mama, GG sleeping" and it really broke my heart.

Every new year is really bittersweet for my family I guess, due to the loss of my Grammie on new years day. So on 1 hand, we see the start of a fresh new year, but also remember that this is one more year without her. And although my heart breaks a little more each day they , I know they are all still with me. My Grammie, my Titi, My GG, and my Grandpa.

It's been a while...

Hello again, blog world. What is there to update on for the last year and a half? Plenty.

Lucas turned 2 in July. He is seriously just amazing. I can't believe how much he changes on a daily basis. He is talking so well, and has a hysterical sense of humor for someone so young. I can't even explain how awesome he is.

I'm going to Nursing school now for my LPN. Then onto my RN and so on. It's going very well, I am very proud of myself.

A little over a month ago, GG passed away. It was pretty sudden. She had a stroke, held strong for a week in the hospital and then, left us. I made a video slide show for her wake. I think it came out pretty nice personally. It was all photos of her and my grandfather, my aunt and uncles, and the grand kids. We have a pretty large family.

I'm taking this loss very hard. I guess I take most losses hard. Every time I walk in, I expect to see her, or hear her feet shuffling across the floor. Lucas misses her too. He asks to go see her all the time and I tell him she had to go bye bye, but she loves us very much.

In the last few years, if she wasn't feeling well, and we had a gathering planned, she would cancel or change the date of it. Everything except Thanksgiving. Even christmas, she pushed back once or twice.  But thanksgiving would happen, no matter what. That makes tomorrow very hard for me. It hurts so much. It's hard to articulate all of my thoughts. I feel very scattered.

I use music as an escape a lot of times. I just find it helps. For the entire time she was in the hospital, and the weeks following, I had this song on loop. I guess this is where I will end this. </3

You...
You believed ...
You believed in movements none could see.
You believed in me

A passionate spirit
Uncompromised
Boundless and open
A light in your eyes
Then immobilized.

Broken
Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see
Yet it was you who prayed for me.
So what have I done
To be a son to an angel?
What have I done
To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question, but
What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?
"She never told a lie,
... well might have told a lie,
But never lived one.
Didn't have a life,
Didn't have a life,
But surely saved one."
See? I'm alright
Now it's time for us to let you go.

Listen to the tales and romanticize,
How we'd follow the path of the hero.
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun.
How we rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior,
Feigning all the trials and the tribulations;
None of us have actually been there.
Not like you.

Ignorant siblings in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy,
Spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But, enough about the collective Judas.
Who could deny you were the one who
Illuminated your little piece of the divine?

And this little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me;
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way,
Your way home ...

Oh, what are they going to do when the lights go down
Without you to guide them all to Zion?
What are they going to do when the rivers overrun
Other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way they'll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
You're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
Shake your fists at the gates saying:
"I've come home now!
Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my, give me my wings!"

You are the light and way that they will only read about.

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance,
(With the) burden of proof tossed upon the believers.
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence,
Judith Marie, unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold florescence.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion, but
Should you see your Maker's face tonight,
Look Him in the eye, look Him in the eye, and tell Him:
"I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one.
Hallelujah, it's time for you to bring me home."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf3r2Tja0-8

Moments lost though time remains...

Remembering the people I have lost has never been an issue for me. I have fond memories of my grandmother and aunt. Forgetting that they are gone, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, I should show this to Grammie." And then I remember she is gone, and almost 8 year later, it still fucking hurts. If anyone knows how to make that stop, please, hook it up. When does it start feeling better? Or hurt less?

It is hard to fight an enemy, that has outposts in your head.

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. I am also getting very fed up with peoples bullshit. More so than usual. I typically have a good amount of patience with people. But lately, it is wearing thin and I am hitting a breaking point. It could be because my attentions are focused on other stuff, or it could be I'm just over feeling like I am in high school still.

On the plus side of everything, come March I will go to the Accelerated day program for my LPN and be done in 13 months. I already know it's going to be so hard but it will be so worth it. I need to do this for Lucas and most of all for myself. I need to feel like a functioning member of society again. The strain of being in the house so much is getting to me too. Maybe I am just on edge in general. I don't know.

I wish there was a way I could wipe away all traces of people, places, and things in my memories. I know there is the whole "everything happens for a reason" crap but that doesn't work for me. 

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet, tomorrow is too often a repetition of today." James T. Maccay

I feel myself at a loss for words, yet feel the need to write. The last few days have been incredibly emotionally draining. Hell the last 2 weeks have been. Just when I thought to myself, "Shit what else could go wrong?" some more shit goes wrong.

I know I have a tendency to get annoyed about trivial shit. Maybe that is so I don't let it build up, so when giant dramatic stuff happens I don't completely go off my rocker and murder someone. We all deal with stress differently. I listen to music mostly when I am upset. I feel like every time Lucas is asleep I have my headphones on blasting music. My stress is reaching a critical level, and I need to vent my frustrations in some way.

I do not understand why people feel that just because they CAN say something on the internet, that they SHOULD. The last few days have been filled with such ridiculous, childish, high school bullshit, I literally felt like I was 16 again. The people I hold dearest to my heart have been called names, ridiculed, and made to seem like villians in a twisted soap opera created for someone else to be sickly amused. People are twisting the truth to make themselves feel better about their lives, while putting down everyone else, as if we are beneath them.

I'm over it all. I'm gonna attempt to get some sleep, but I don't know if it will happen. I just want my family to know how much I totally love them and stand behind them in their decisions. You know who you are.

And especially to my dad- I love you. You are a fantastic father and a wonderful human being. While there have been plenty of times in my life you have frustrated me, I know that in your heart you only want what is best for the entire family. You have devoted your life to being there for us 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year, at the expense of your own wants and desires out of life. And I know we aren't perfect kids, but I would say you and mommy have done a DAMN good job raising us and my Grandfather would be especially proud of the way you have taken care of his most prized item in his lifetime- my Grandmother. <3

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.

Much has happened in the last month. My 4-year old cousin died after an accident at a local mall. As a parent, it was the worst funeral I have ever attended. My heart still breaks thinking about it. While there, I saw some family I had chosen to distance myself from over the last few years for one reason or another. I was cordial, as this was not the time or the place to address those issues. My mother and father raised me better than that.

I have reached a breaking point. I will not keep my mouth shut any longer about this. To make an extremely long and personal story short, after my Grammie died, some of my mothers family was less than nice to her. They said and did hurtful, vindictive things that broke her heart. I refuse to stand by and allow these people to keep hurting her this way.

I do not like either of you. I feel that you are both selfish and have an incredibly skewed memory of your past. I can not believe that you have said the things that you have about my grandmother. I am not saying she was a saint, but she was DAMN good to me and my siblings! Neither of you will even come CLOSE to the woman she was. The only way you are like her is you share her genes. You hurt people to make yourselves feel high and mighty and you are shitty people for that. For the rest of your lives, I want NOTHING to do with you. You will not see my child, my husband or myself if I have ANY say in it. I have bit my tongue for far too long in regards to you. Your snippy little comments here and there about shit are ridiculous. I fucking hate you both, and I want nothing to do with you EVER.


THAT ALL BEING SAID....

To certain other family members. Cut your childish bullshit. It is time to grow up and act like adults. Stop with your stupid catty bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. Whatever your boggles are, are now in the past. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you, how much I've missed you.

What will absolutely be probably the hardest entry I will write, is the memorial of my Aunt. I say this with no exaggeration, there has not been a single day in 4 years that I have not thought about her. Unlike the feelings of regret I had when my Grammie died, I did not feel those at all when we lost Titi. It has been, to date, the most intense feeling of loss I have ever felt. I legitimately cried for hours, alone in my apartment in Florida. She died a week before I moved home to New York, and if I remember correctly, within weeks of her moving home to NY.

When we would misbehave as kids, my dad we threaten to send us to Titi's so she could "Straighten us out." Yeah, we played video games and watched movies and played electronic slot machine games. It was awesome. She and I joked about it when I was older. I almost wish I had misbehaved more lol. I can't think of a single time we asked to do something at her house and she said no. I feel like we were over there all the time. She was my mothers best friend. Minus a few rare occasions, I can not remember my mom being as happy as she was when she was there.

Titi was as straight a shooter as there was. You never wondered where you stood with her. Even as a child I admired that. If you were on her shit list you certainly were on her shit list. Miss bitch was her nickname. Marion told me a story one time about how Titi was mad at her for something and hadn't talked to her in months. Apparently some girl threatened to kick Marion's ass and Titi told her something to the effect of "kicking that bitches ass/cutting her head off" I'm not really sure which one but either way, that girl stopped messing with my sister haha.

After Grammie died I (as almost all of you have seen) Got a huge tattoo on my back with her name in it along with my fathers dad. Titi loved it so much. When she passed away I instantly started planning a tattoo for her. As morbid as it sounds, when I got the angel, I kinda left room to add certain names. (DONT JUDGE ME!! LOL) My mom and I were talking and she said she was "willing to give up her place for Titi". I don't think there was anything my mom wouldn't have done for her.

I could go on for hours about her, but honestly, my heart can't take it. I know that seems like a cheap way out, but I have already had to stop writing many times because I was crying. I love and miss you every single day Ti! <3<3<3

Beloved-VNV Nation

It's colder than before,
The seasons took all they had come for.
Now winter dances here.
It seems so fitting don't you think
To dress the ground in white and grey.

It's so quiet I can hear my thoughts touching every second that I spent waiting for you.
Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you How much I've missed you.

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass?
Please don't ask me why I'm here.
Something deeper brought me than a need to remember.

We were once young and blessed with wings.
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar.
Still greater things burned within us.
I don't regret the choices that I made.
I know you feel the same.

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there?
These are feelings that do not pass so easily.
I can't forget what we claimed as ours.

Moments lost though time remains.
I am still proud of what we were.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.
Grant me wings that I might fly.
My restless soul is longing.
No pain remains, no feeling.
Eternity awaits.